Mum's the Word

Taking Time

It's been an odd and interesting few days. Beginning last Thursday, I've been sort of in an All About AnonaMum mood, which hasn't happened in a really long time. And to be nakedly honest, I don't feel quite as guilty about it as I probably should.

My mother takes care of the AnonaBaby on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a few hours. This is ostensibly so that I can go work out, although I haven't worked out once. The arrangement serves a lot of purposes, actually. One is so that AnonaBaby doesn't get strange around my mother, who is her daytime caregiver during the school year while I'm at work. This is the baby's first really "aware" summer, and we don't want her to develop any stranger anxiety in the 10 weeks that school's out. It would make going back to work even more horrible than it already is.

The Tuesday/Thursday arrangement is also totally because my mother would go out of her mind if she didn't see AnonaBaby several times a week. If that woman goes more than three days without spending time with her grandchild (AnonaBaby is the only grandchild), she goes bananas - she's crazy about the kid. It's definitely reciprocated, since the baby lights up when I mention that we're going to see Nana. She repeats it over and over with different inflections, "Nana. NAna. NaNA. NANA!" Sometimes she alternates, "Mommy! Nana! MomMY! NaNA! MOMMY! Nana!" So. Excited.

So last week after I dropped her off, I decided to take a few hours and head over to the good mall. I treated myself to a nice lunch, got my eyebrows shaped, did a little browsing. It was a lovely afternoon. I thought I had an appointment to get my hair cut that evening, so after picking up the baby, I dropped her at home with the AnonaDad and headed over to my stylist's. Turned out my appointment was actually on Friday so I called AnonaDad to check in. The baby had conked out after having her dinner just fine and he urged me to go ahead and browse the bookstore or whatever and enjoy myself. I think this was as much because he'd TiVo'd one of the SciFi channel's notoriously bad movies and wanted to watch it without my snarky commentary as because he loves me, but regardless, I stayed out.

On Friday the baby and I had a lovely day together just hanging around the house and then I went to get my hair cut. I went for a drastic change and I. LOVE. It. I went from wearing a ponytail every day to a sleek but not difficult short style that I have to say takes a few years off me. My hair is very full and curly and I have the option of wearing the style scrunched with a little Frizz-Ease right out of the shower, or straightening it with the curling iron in about 10 minutes when it's dry. I am thrilled.

On Saturday the whole AnonaFamily went to the mall again because we wanted to get out of the house but the wildfire situation in our region made the air too nasty to be outdoors in (and now you have at least some idea of where I live). We shopped for some picture frames for the portraits we had taken of the baby, had a light lunch and generally hung out.

I decided on Sunday to ask my mom if she'd come by for a few hours and watch the baby while I began tackling our garage, which is a disaster area. She had a great time playing with AnonaBaby and I actually made quite a dent in the mess. This coming weekend I intend to continue the project.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my mom and sister and then we caught a movie ("You Don't Mess With the Zohan" - as stupid as you'd expect, but as long as you know what you're in for, it was entertaining enough). AnonaDad watched the baby and again - I had a great "girl's afternoon" without my kid.

And today, after AnonaBaby and I went to her Tuesday morning "Bouncing Babies" class I left her again with my mom and took in another movie ("Wall-E" - highly recommended, though probably not for little little kids).

When I look at all the time I spent away from my daughter, I feel a little uncomfortable. Generally it was only for a few hours at a time, and she was with either her grandmother or her father, both of whom adore her and can obviously care for her every bit as well as I can, but... it still seems wrong somehow. On the one hand I feel like, hey, it's summer and this is the time when I can spend all my time with my baby - I can't do that during the school year, so why am I spending so much time away from her? On the other hand, I think it's important for her to spend time with many different caregivers and I know I need to take time for myself so that I can be at my best when I am with her. I know I'm more patient, more pleasant, just generally happier when I have had at least some time on my own.

I think my problem is that I feel guilty not so much for being away from her but for simply taking time for myself. If I had been running important errands or doing something "worthwhile" I probably wouldn't think twice about leaving her. But anything "optional" induces guilt.

I don't know. How do you other moms cope with the desire to take time for yourself? Does it make you feel guilty or pleased?

posted by AnonaMum @ 10:14 PM