Resolution
After writing yesterday, I spent the rest of the day as I'd planned. AnonaBaby woke about 10 minutes after I turned off the computer, so I got her up, changed and fed her and then we went to the local pool to go swimming. So far this summer I've stuck to my plan of taking the baby to the pool twice a week, but I haven't stuck to my plan of working out there alone twice a week. Oh, I dropped the baby at my mother's and came back an hour and a half later, but I didn't get to the pool. As we know, I ate instead.While I was hanging with my girl, and then afterwards, as I sat through an unsuccessful nap (hers, not mine. If I'd tried to nap I would have been successful. Except for the screaming baby part. I would have had trouble with that), my mind wandered back to what I'd written. The fix seems soooo simple, right? Stop eating the wrong things. Eat the right things. Exercise. Lather, rinse, repeat. After a while, get on a scale. Viola!
I know in my head that that's how it should work, but I always screw it up. And I'm the sort of person who, once fallen from the proverbial wagon, does not simply dust herself off and get back on. I fall off the wagon and then leap into a cavern of destructive behavior. Ate a couple of cookies? Might as well eat the whole bag. And some Pop-Tarts for dessert.
How do you think I got to this weight? Salad was not the culprit.
I can't begin to count the number of times I've sat down and was stern with myself. "Lady," I'll start, "You need to get your act together. Today. Right now. Actually, tomorrow morning because it's 10:30 pm at the moment. But tomorrow morning, by God, there are gonna be some changes around here." And then I list out every rule I want to follow and I feel so virtuous and composed like this time, goddamn it all, it's going to work.
And sometimes it does for a few days, or even a few weeks. But somehow all the resolve vanishes long before I've lost enough weight to want to keep going. Then I gain it all back plus some more for good measure and it all starts over again.
For nearly 25 years I've been doing this.
25 years.
That's a lifetime.
This morning (after skipping the workout and eating stuff that doesn't make me feel that great) that number really struck me. 25 years. I've been doing this to myself for a quarter of a century. Do I want to spend the next 25 years - years that my baby will be watching - treating myself this way? Do I want her to watch me play these games with myself while I tell her that she should eat healthy foods until she's satisfied and then be done? Do I want to be the mom whose central message is "Do what I say, not what I do"?
I don't. I really, really don't.
And this morning, as I was holding her, the most thunderous idea hit me. What if... and this is a big question... but what if I treated myself the way treat my daughter?
It would certainly simplify things.
No rules to follow, no timelines, no pressure to be perfect. Just... walk the walk, you know? I don't feed AnonaBaby junk food. I shouldn't feed it to myself. I take time to make her meals, which I make sure are balanced with protein, fruit, vegetables, calcium... I could do that for myself. She doesn't get soda, candy or processed filler food - not because I'm punishing her but because they're not good for her.
What if I looked at the lack of Pop-Tarts in my life not as a punishment, but as a way of treating myself with love and caring?
I feed my daughter foods that are good for her. I pay a lot of attention to what I buy for her and what I make for her. It's not like it takes up a lot of my time. I just do it. What if I did it for me too?
So I'm making a commitment here, in front of God and everybody - a different kind of commitment. Usually I'm all about setting a goal weight and then mapping out what weight I should be at certain dates if I'm "successful" and then writing down all the things I'm going to do differently so that by the time the sun comes up on my "First Day of the Rest of My Life" I'm so wrapped up in things I can't do and ways to fail that I'm halfway ready to run to McDonald's before I've even started. This is different. There is only one rule, and it hardly feels like a rule at all.
Be a good role model for AnonaBaby. Aim the same patience, compassion, understanding and love that I give her towards myself. Celebrate small stepping stones as the precursors to larger milestones that they are.
I don't know if I can be that gentle with myself. But I think I want to try.
Labels: Confession is Good for the Soul
posted by AnonaMum @ 12:06 PM
2 Comments:
My own eating habits improved a hundred fold once my kids were out of toddler foods and looking to eat the same things as us adults. I had to rethink and revamp our entire menu so that I was offering well-balanced, nourishing, quality meals (instead of the take-out, reheat, pre-wrapped stuff that had been the staple of our diet up until then).
Now we're all eating healthier. It's amazing the difference kids can make in your life!
I think you hit the nail on the head with your revelation - treat yourself as you do your baby! You're so right - you do all those good things for her regarding food, that it won't be much change to continue that for yourself! You can do it! :)
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